omnia vincit amor.

i will wait for you forever, i dont care how long it takes. even if im 50 and you decide to change your mind ill be there. no matter what ill be there. theres still a huge dead chunk of my heart where you were supposed to be.

well looky here, I’m writing again. ah man idk, I’ve been thinking about you alot lately, idk. I don’t do it on purpose, there’s just been alot of things reminding me of you. first that dream I had, that’s what really started it all. then music. oh my gosh music of you follows me everywhere. but that’s what musics for anyway, to make you feel, so that’s fine. today me and Jon went to breakfast in Manchester. we took the highway the same way you did to get to your apartment. I told him that’s the way to your house. Jon’s also a reason I’m writing on here. he’s not THE reason, I don’t want to clutter my main tumblr with letters to you all the time, but I also don’t want Jon to have to read about you all the time either. we follow each other. he barely posts but I always catch him on it so I assume he reads my stuff. we’re not dating, but I know it’d bother him, so, idk.

I have 3 more days of school left, and then ill be a junior in college, how ridiculous is that lol. last summer I was so against school, and now I’m half way done. ha, even I’m amazed, but I am really proud of myself.

I’m so excited for summer, I can’t even tell you. the warmth, sun. I want to go camping, swim in lakes, road trips. Jon’s trying to get me to jump out of a plane, lol and to be perfectly honest I’m being persuaded. I’m not telling him that tho, it’ll take alot for me to do that. but yea man, summer seems to get better and better every year, I definitely have high expectations for this one.

I got a bunny, her names Flopsy, you know after King Bumi’s Flopsy. only Jon, Isobel, and Elena knew that. everyone else thinks it’s cause of her ears, but no :p have you seen my instagram? she’s basically all I take pictures of now. it’s audreyyelizabeth, if you wanted to see. if you read this. if you care. or just curious against your own will. if you’re alive.

umm yes, I guess that’s about it. I’m rewatching avatar again, I just started the 3rd season. I never finished the legend of Korra, I stopped wherever we stopped. I’m never going to finish it, maybe when I’m like 30 or something.

alright anyway, it does feel kind of good to write again.

okay bye.

so idk if I can do this anymore, writing to the Internet hoping someone’s reading on the other side. I know I’ve said this before, but really it’s too sad. maybe ill write here every once in a while, but for the most part, I won’t. frankly, ha I don’t think I’ve ever used the word frankly, but frankly, if you ever want to be in my life again it’s up to you. I told you I’d always wait for you, and ill never turn you away. when you’re ready, come find me.

Sincerely,

Me.

it’s 2:30, just got home from work. I started listening to my iPod again. I miss you, so much, such an amount I didn’t even know it was possible. you know, I will give you props for being such a great actor. cause I mean obviously if you really had loved me you would have never let me go. but you did, so whatever.

i started taking zquil cause I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. so that kinda sucks. I feel like shit, nobody knows it but I do. I’m smoking way too much, I mean that obviously doesn’t suck lol but I mean it’s clearly not good. fuck idk.

I just miss you :’(
I just want you here with me. that’s all I want.

you know I really believed in love.

Sincerely,
Me.

i can hardly even listen to my ipod now, cause every single song reminds me of you. its like my ipod picked you over me, the music picked you. how rude of my ipod to do that. but then again, how sweet. my ipod will always feel the same way about you and it will never change. honestly, i will probably never change my ipod. it will always be the way you left it. i actually really like that idea. okay then, thank you ipod.

me and jons girlfriend are friends now. jon doesnt know. we’re going to bake cupcakes on friday, he doesnt know that either. i like her.

the owner of my restaurants son just went into the weed business. they make caramel weed. its like a caramel chew, all you taste is caramel, all you get is weed. they’re fucking awesome!

yes that is all.

im sad you’re not here.

Sincerely,

Me.

you’re that one thing thats always going to be with me no matter what. you were my true love therefore a part of me will always love you, you broke my heart so every now and then when i think of that feeling illl get sad. ill tell people about the good times with you, what love really feels like, how you made me a better person, how you showed me life. but ill never talk about the bad feelings, no.

i still cant believe it. what was wrong with me? why wasnt i good enough? you could at least tell me that so i could work on it for the next guy. you said i was perfect. what did i do wrong?

Sincerely,

Me.

so here i am at this fork in the road again: i want to tell you whats been happening, but i dont feel like explaining it. you should be here so i can tell you in person. alright, long story short, jons been talking to me, like everyday, and his gf knows. well he asked me to get food tonight, i did. i didnt apologize for what happened, we both knew it was done with. now we’re even, starting fresh. i told him i was glad we had time apart, i needed it, i had to get away from him. but then he brought up when Jupiter died. he said he didnt have anyone, he needed someone, and i wasnt there. that hurt so i told him to stop. i did later apologize for that tho. cause his best guy friend devins away at college, he has his gf but shes just a gf, i was his best friend. anyway, he said if we’re going to be friends again we gotta put all this stuff behind us and grow up. so, i guess we’re friends again. and i dont feel like explaining myself because i dont need to and you dont deserve it, to be completely honest. i know thats really mean to say and im sorry but, i mean its true lol. you dont even deserve to be reading this but you are right? idk maybe you’re not. you know what, fuck you you fucking left me!

anyway, his gf texted him and asked “you’d tell me if you decided to start hanging out with her again right?”. and i was like seriously jon you didnt tell her, typical jon. so then of course he had to say the worst response possible “im actually with her right now”. so shes all afraid shes losing him, which theres really no way to convince her shes not. i follow her on tumblr so i know she “thinks” she loves him and wants to tell him. she was hinting at it but jon doesnt think she really does, just that she thinks she does. i dont really think she does either, but eh idk. but he doesnt love her, so obviously he doesnt want her to say it. so yea theres that mess, thank god im not in it lol. i mean i guess i kinda am, but, whatever :p

so when we got to his house, well i was fucking bloody terrified to be honest. his mom  never liked me so she probably hates my guts now. it was so awkward, his sisters even looked surprised. but me and his dad have always had a good relationship so we were good, and his mom was really nice. idk maybe she gets it, if not eh, whatever, again :p

and then we made origami! and we played this game, omfg! you know that japanese game you were telling me about, where you just roll around and stuff sticks to you?!?!!!!?!?!?!??!?! well jon has it, and i played it! ahhh its awesome :) you see idiot these are times when id coming running home to tell you!

jons been smoking alot recently, which is great cause so have i. i know, i know so bad, but, oh here it comes again, whatever :P ;) so yea, i brought up smoking together and he said it’d be a bad idea. like seriously, after all this time he still doesnt trust himself around me. honestly, im very glad im not his girlfriend.

guh, anyway, thats my jon story for tonight. theres so much more to explain but im tired of it right now. i told him about you, i told him you left. when he first asked me what happened i started saying good stuff about you, i called you perfect and had a huge smile on my face. and then i said i never saw or heard from you again, and jon said you must not be that perfect. and when i said perfect, i meant all your flaws, every single one of them, and i still thought you were perfect. you know geoff, i really did love you so damn much, i gave all of myself to you and you fucking knew that. honestly, as stupid as i guess it sounds i would still love to see you again, i really would. but if you ever come around again prepare yourself to be hit with a bat or stabbed with a knife or something. cause honestly, if i saw you right now i probably would stab you, no offense. but yes i probably would.

gah, anyway. thats it for tonight. i have back to back class and work tomorrow, yippie :p oh yea i started class again today, its good.

seriously geoff what the hell.

Sincerely,

Me.

well, i finished my online class. im pretty positive ill get a B. and class starts again on monday, yippie. but no really, besides the fact i wont get to stay out late or have sleepovers or sleep in as much, im not dreading it that much. it seems like every semester school isnt as bad as the one before. and thats not just because its closer to being over, which is a huge part, but the more you go the “funner” (i cant ever really call school fun, ever) the classes get. now that im taking all art classes, its so much better. waking up at 8 to do art is alot better than waking up at any time to do anything else lol

i finished Paper Towns by John Green. i think this might be my new favorite book. catcher will always be my favorite, this is just my recent favorite. i liked it better than Looking For Alaska. it actually made me laugh, like seriously, i dont think ive ever laughed at a book before. it was just so amazingly written and it was, real. yes, it was so real-ly written it was perfect. from the way it started, to the middle, and the way it ended. it was totally the kind of ending id do, ah it was amazing.

and so i got to think while on my drive home at 1 in the morning, the time most of us usually do our deepest thinking, while listening to mumford and sons, that im not so sure i really want to have a home. id much rather the world be my home than one specific building. like instead of getting a place and getting a job that keeps me in that location, i could get a job that takes me around the world. or if im not that lucky, i could travel around the world, renting motel rooms, or cheap apartments and working different jobs here and there, but i feel like that’d be a lot more work than i want to have to do in my life. no  matter how much adventure i want i have to accept the fact that i am very lazy.

thats why i want to learn to tattoo so badly. i want to travel the world learning different styles and its origins, meeting the greatest tattoo artists in the world, and working in different shops around the globe. how freaking awesome would that be?! and id  make enough money to travel on my own time. that all just sounds so, free.

okay ill be honest for a second, but not too honest in case i ever decide to look into this job. ive thought about a job in the government, i cant say what it is just in case it happens. and im being completely serious by the way. but i keep going back to that idea of freedom, and experience. i need to do, everything, and i need to do it whenever im ready and see fit. i just cant be confined, you know.

thats why i cant wait for california. im literally working every free second i can that im not going to be in class. class 4 days a week, work 4 solid days, sometimes 5 days a week,holyfuckingshit, i know. notice how i didnt even mention a social life. yea lol, its been nice having one but i gotta get back into my routine. i managed to score some hosting shifts, 2 this month and a couple in february, all on sundays. my boss actually wanted me to text sara to see if she could do it, but they was all like “hey i could do it”, so now im doing it :) hey, its $10 a hour, sometimes 11 in the morning to 8 at night. i cant pass up that kind of money.

so yea lol, ive come to the point in my ranting that ive not run out of things to say, but im just so tired of thinking of stuff to say. so that’ll be it for tonight i suppose.

Godspeed!

Sincerely,

Me.

im sorry i dont talk as frequently as i used to. but honestly it just makes me really sad. and honestly ive been doing a really good job at staying happy. like a fucking good job. like besides when i was with you, im probably happier than ive ever been before i started high school. and thats saying alot, thats saying everything, and it feels really good.

idk what jons up to. he still wont give me a reason why he’s talking to me. i cant figure out his intentions. but i dont trust him.

elena had an instrumental concert tonight, it was fine. my dad asked me what happened to you. he said he thought we were really into each other. i didnt really say anything. it took all i had to not start crying.

you really broke me. even though im happy, im not totally sure its sincere. i mean im happy, but i also think im slowly self destructing. it just hasnt hit me yet.

anyway, i hope you are happy, and i hope you’re doing well. i love you forever, and as always im forever yours.

Sincerely,

Me.

im sorry, but, i still cant believe you left me.

lol im fucking still in love with you.

Sincerely,

Me.